Bargain With Life for a blissful Marriage

Bargain with Life for a blissful marriage

 

I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;

For Life is just an employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial's hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid.”

― Jessie B. Rittenhouse

 

When applied to marriage, the truth espoused herein is profound. The first step is to bargain with life for a great marriage. Many there are who do not know and has not taken time to decide what they want in marriage let alone bargain for it. They would take whatever marriage throws at them.

The good news is that we could all bargain with life for a great marriage. There are always people who would not be bothered; who would eerily be content with the penny: discord today, conflict tomorrow. Whereas, others in similar circumstances go back and again to bargain for a better married life. For the excuse mongers: too tall, too short, too poor, too rich, too proud, too late, too early or whatever one’s excuses, what have you got to lose? There is much to be gained by taking the time to ponder, consider, reorder marital or life priorities and bargain hard with life for a blessed marriage. Why would you settle for a penny when life would freely give you a blissful marriage?

A good place to start is: consider the questions below, once you have some idea, then discuss these with your spouse.

Where are you headed in your marriage?

Where are you in your marriage now?

What do you need in order to get you to your desired haven in marriage?

 

When you consider what you want from your marriage, what you want from your future, then and only then could you bargain with life. It is this process that I sincerely want to kick start in some and amplify in others. Many people do not bargain at all with life as far as their marriage is concerned. So if they have a penny, it is the generosity of life actually.

 

In many fields of life we are encouraged to write down or list what we want. We often had essays like what I want to become when I grow up. Instinctively then, we thought about our vocation or profession. At this point in time I am asking the reader, if possible, to write down a few things you would like about your marriage in the future (In five, ten or twenty years). Begin with the end in mind. Bargain with life for a blissful marriage.

You could have a blissful marriage!!!

Help meet 2. Time and skill to nurture

In help meet 1, I established the fact that marriage  is God's idea and the spouse an help meet.

As I write this blog, I am overlooking my neighbours lawn. Well manicured, neat an absolute beauty! The adjacent fields are not as well groomed and desirable. It is not surprising though, given the time and skill invested to keep the lawn in this state. In the same way, it is easy to spot and appreciate the marriage that is well watered. All the houses on my street had the potential to radiate such beauty, they were designed to be! But how these turn out depend on the investment in time to cultivate and nurture the lawn . Ditto for our spouses.This blog is thus about time and skill investment in the help meet.

Time.
Time to discuss, to be there for each other, to reminisce, to laugh, to take a walk around the block, retire to bead early, read a book together...
Although it often seem that we have not got enough time in 24 hours to go through our list of to do. We must make time. How else can one nourish a relationship? How could one cultivate a lasting marriage fit for purpose without investing time together? If the field is starved of time to tend it, the weed would soon take over. The weed need no invitation.

Skill
There is the need to be skilful in the area of tending your help meet. In many professions there are allocated time for study leave, professional developments, online courses in addition to personal reflections in order to improve performance. I often wonder how we come to devote so much time to performance and increased productivity at work but not to our relationship.

These ideas are not new, consider this:
When he had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out of a window and saw Isaac laughing with Rebekah his wife.  Genesis 28:8.

this was a time of famine (Economic depression). Isaac and the wife had moved to a foreign land to sojourn. They probably were working extra hard, it must have been tasking to settle down. Some people in their stead would still be fighting over the decision to go to Egypt or Gerar.

They probably had a thousand and one reasons to be angry, fight or complain. But they were outside, Isaac laughing with Rebecca.!

Finding a wife, Abraham's model

FINDING A WIFE. Abrahams Model

Choosing a wife is one of the most important decision a young man can make in life. Choosing a companion to share the rest of your life with. One that will be help meet. One that would share the heights of your joy and support you no matter what. 
With divorce rate approaching 50% even in the church, has the Bible given us a model and how to approach this all important issue? To find a wife should not be mere wishes.
For Isaac, who was the covenant child of Abraham. God's mandate will be fulfilled through this man. It is imperative that he finds a wife that will not thwart the plan of God. 

1. It is a very important decision. 
Here we saw Abraham sending his the eldest servant on the mission to find Isaac a wife. He also made him swear by the Lord. 
                And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac. (Genesis 24:2-4 KJV)

2. Faith born out of relationship with God.
The Lord God of heaven, which took me from my father's house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spake unto me, and that sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife unto my son from thence. (Genesis 24:7 KJV)
The above is akin to what David said when he was facing Goliath in battle, that the Lord who delivered the bear and the lion into his hands will deliver Goliath into his hands as well. As believers, recalling the deeds God accomplished help strengthen our faith so we can reach out to receive more. For the people that only want to know God's will when they want a wife, it may be a challenge. Having proved God in other ways in the past in other choices in life makes this process easier. That is why God's children are encouraged to seek him and allow the Lord to lead them in other areas of life.

3. Prayer
The eldest servant knew of God's hand upon his master. He is not a stranger to the promises of God for Abraham. He was wise. He provided for the journey. Experienced as well. He could have depended on his wisdom, experience and his masters wealth but he chose to pray to God for guidance. God must have caused Rebekah to decide to fetch water at that time, unaccompanied by friends and kept other confounders away. How much more this day and age. We need God's help in this all important choice. Prayer moves the hand that rules the world.

4. Standard.
And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac. And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest? (Genesis 24:3-5 KJV)
Here we see Abraham did not want Isaac to marry the Canaanites. They did not believe in God. When Paul said, be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers, it was not a new doctrine then. The person you marry many times will determine how you end up in life. Marrying an unbeliever is like having the devil for a father-in-law. Secondly, Abraham made it clear that Isaac was not to return to the land he came from. Getting a wife or not, the top priority is not to go back to where God had delivered you from: captivity, sin,bondage...
Wisdom cries aloud, crying in the streets...

The First Blame Game in Marriage

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. (Genesis 3:12, 13 KJV)


Earlier on in the blogs, I established
1. God's verdict on the creation was : good
2. God put Adam in the garden to tend and dress it
3. God decided that it was not good for man to be alone so he made help meet for him
4. Adam did appreciate the gesture saying: this is now the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh. Appropriating it and even naming her: she shall be called a woman! 

Given the account above, how come in verses 12-13 there was a blame game? Note that so far, there had been 3 parties involved in the harmonious relationship. God, Adam, The woman. The appearance of the fourth party before things turned pear shaped deserves a close scrutiny. In my opinion, harmonious relationship Between the two (husband and wife) is designed to be maintained by their relationship to Each other and to God. After all, God is the manufacturer, designer and gave us the instructions, manual to follow for our ultimate good. When fourth parties are involved, bringing suggestions that are contrary to what the three had agreed to, and operate by, then there is bound to be mistrust, blame, ...

The fourth party in marriage could be anything or anyone. In this case, it is the devil. Many times it is friends of either the wife or the husband. It usually comes like suggestions. Like the serpent said here: has God said... Friends may first come and suggest to you: did he really love you, did she not disappoint you before? Men are not to be trusted you know? Remember how your sister was thrown out late in marriage, don't you think you need to provide a soft landing in case things go pear shaped... There could be millions of suggestions and thoughts that would serve as the fourth party. Fourth parties as in the case here may appeal to our reasoning. They could appeal to our sensual appetite, our desire, emotions, greed, weakness, past experience... And these things will come in marriage. They are inevitable. 

Many people like Adam will blame the other person. The woman you gave me.... Or like the woman (for she had not been named Eve as of this time in the Bible) would blame the fourth party, the serpent beguiled me. There are always people, things, situations to blame. But blame usually does not absolve us from the responsibility or the consequences of our action. 
When Jesus gave the parable of the wise and the foolish building houses, he established that the storm would come. That's certain. But that we should build our house on the rock. Yes the sand may be appealing. That may be what all others do. Building on the sand may be in vogue, it may be the trend. Yet, a wise man will take heed and prepare for the storms.
 
What then shall we do? 
1. Be wise, build your family on the Rock of Ages. Depend on the God that established the relationship in the first place that He is able to keep you both. 
2. Be aware that fourth party could be the devil, but he does not come like the serpent any longer. It could come in any form as mentioned above.
3. Do all in your power to keep the fourth party out.

                                Enjoy your marriage.
                                  It is God's blessing

Naked and Not Ashamed

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25 KJV)
This one of the earliest insight we have to relationship between husband and wife. There are three parts to this verse. I would consider them separately.
1. They were both naked. Being without clothing or covering. Nude. Nothing to hide from each other. We as human beings hide a lot of things away with clothings. Hernias, scars of previous injuries or surgeries, excess fat, nodes, swellings, skin discolouration, bumps, ulcers... People would have different reactions if they are exposed, naked before others. I will leave that to the individual's imagination. 
Apart from physical things on our bodies, We may also have habits that only our spouses know about. Snoring, drooling during sleep, bed wetting... Some of them could be a source of shame. But in marriage relationship, these are exposed constantly to our spouses and in that sense we are naked to each other.

In addition to above, human beings are not just physical beings, we have emotions, hopes, aspirations, fears, ambition, motives, goals that could all be exposed, shared or hidden from each other. For husband and wife, there should be nakedness beyond the physical. 
One of the reasons for extolling the virtues of good communication in marriage is that it forsters sharing of thoughts, hopes, aspirations, fears and so on. As we continue to share at this level, we are further exposed and lay ourselves bare. We continue to be naked to each other. We understand each other more, in better position to defend each other, support and love each other in a greater dimension. In contrast, if one spouse hides, covers, refuse to be bare before the other, then this forsters suspicion, frustration, competition, erodes trust and eventually drives the couple apart.

Beyond communication with each other, praying together helps us to be naked to each other. We know that when we pray to God, we bring our deepest need to him, we share our inner thought and fears. As God answered our prayers, our spouses also gets to share our heartfelt desires.

2. The man and his wife. The second part of this verse ensures that the nakedness we are talking about is only in the context of the man and his wife.  Not the man and somebody else's wife or daughter. Jesus' encounter with the woman by the well in John readily comes to mind. Jesus told the woman that the person she is living with is not her husband. I think it is crucial for a man to do as much as lies within his power to find and live in harmony with his wife and the woman to do same with her husband. It is in this kind of relationship that that the man and wife would be naked in all aspect and yet not be ashamed.

3. The third part of the verse says, and they were not ashamed. In the context of man and his wife, being naked should bring no shame at all.
Every man and every woman has some strength and some weakness. In the context of marriage, we are exposed to different weaknesses of our spouse ranging form physical, habits, emotional, health, mental, cognitive and so on. This exposure should not bring shame for either of the couple. 
I used to tell my wife before marriage that I am marrying her with her strength and all her weaknesses. We can not separate one from the other. We will definitely be exposed to them and feel free to discuss them without shame at all. We should seek help together in the areas of weakness. Although there is tendency to be ashamed when exposed to the different aspects of our spouses lives, the bible clearly showed us this example that in the marriage union, we have the certificate to be NAKED and NOT ASHAMED.

Exercise
What are you hiding from your spouse?
Physical blemishes?
Your fears
Your hopes
Your money
Your investments
Your scars in life
Your bad habits?
Make your own list and work out how best to work together on in. 

                                   As you share your body,
                                you should share your burden

Help meet 1

Help meet 1

In Gen 2:18'  God said, it is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him. so he created a companion,  help meet... Also in the latter part of verse 20 the bible says... But for adam, no suitable helper was found. 

Amplified Bible puts verse 18 this way: 
             Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient,satisfactory) that the
             man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, 
             complementary) for him. (Genesis 2:18 AMP)

Things to consider: 
1. Marriage  is God's idea.
 It is the manufacturer that brought that concept. In his usual manner as portrayed in the creation, after each day God appraises what he created and usually concluded that it was good. Although man as a creation was good, it is not good ( not sufficient, not satisfactory) that the man should be alone. 
2. Marriage was abut an help meet.
Now the Lord God said ... I will make him a helper meet (suitable,adapted, complementary) for him. (Genesis 2:18 AMP)

So for a man who wants to be married, what are you doing or planning that you need a help? One thing I have come to appreciate is that if a man does not realise he needs help, many times if you provide him with help, he does not appreciate it and usually waste, misuse or abuse it. Ditto for a woman.


For the woman who wants to get married, can you be a help to somebody? Are you planning to be a help meet or you are preparing to compete with your spose? Or are you looking for somebody to take care of you? Are you planning to increase the poor man's burden. How will it work when you can't even help yourself and you want to be help meet for somebody. Is that not courting a disaster? 
How do you plan to be help meet for him? Does it not suggest that we need to be prepared if we are going to be help meet for our spouses. The time to make such preparations is now. Before you are married, not after. This reminds me of a story I read in a marriage book. A fine and well padded Christian lady who does not like to go to work and have always wanted to get married, stay at home and look after kids so she could indulge her appetite. She initially did not find a suitor because she was overweight. She then decided to slim down, went to another city and got married to a well-to-do brother. Soon after she got what she wanted, she resigned her job, started indulging her appetite, adding extra fat. You could guess where that marriage is heading. This lady did not come to the man to help at all. She was just using him to meet her needs. It could be the other way round as well. 

A saying goes thus: 
                             man alone may be good, 
                 but it is not good for man to be alone.

 If you enjoy being alone and would not even want your spouse to encroach into that space, may be you should not get married yet. 

 How do we prepare ourselves for marriage in the light of this scripture? Watch out for more blogs.

Musings on marriage

LEAVING AND CLEAVING Gen 2:24
For this reason shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they two shall be one flesh...
 This verse started with, for this reason. What reason? We need to ask because we are considering a very vital issue here. The preceeding verse states that Adam said: this is now the bone of my bone. This is now, connotes that of all the other creatures that have passed before him, this is now, the bone of his bone. I can now leave other creatures and cleave to this one. If Adam was bird watching or lion feeding, or watching the cow grazing, he seemed to say, those are now secondary. I will leave those behind. I will see to this one bone of my bones. I will cleave unto her.
 
For this reason: that she was made for me,
for this reason:that she is the bone of my bone,
for this reason: that she is my help meet,
for this reason that: she is made from my  ribs
... I will cleave to her. 

To this I could add some other reasons to leave my father and mother and cleave to my wife.

For this reason: that God has given me a daughter of his,
for this reason: that I have obtained favour of the Lord by finding a wife,
for this reason: that she will do me good all the days of my life,
for this reason: that God has entrusted this lovely lady's life to me,
for this reason: that God has accounted me worthy to lead this sister about...

What does it mean to leave father and mother? One would almost think it is wicked to leave father and mother who has given you most things in life. And to leave them for a STRANGER. Just a minute. This person is not a stranger. Taking a cue from Adam again, what do you call your spouse? Definitely NOT A STRANGER. Part of the fundamental duty of a parent is to nurture and also to provide us with necessary things to stand on our own. Leaving our parents is supposed to be a healthy part of life. Sometimes despite the fact that our parents mean well, they may come in between us and our spouses.

For the person reading this, may I ask you a question? Have you left your father and mother? Are you ready  or how ready are you to leave your father and mother for the one and only?


So what about cleaving?
What does it mean to cleave? To stick to, through thick and thin. Like a stamp to a letter. Most people may not have considered or settled it in their minds before marriage that they are cleaving to each other no matter what. 

In what areas are we expected to cleave? Financial, physical, spiritual, (Marriage is a union), ministry, views, religious views...

Physical. This is easy to conceptualise. We all know that marriage is a union. It is easy to think that therefore it is a physical union. Yes it is but much more.It is interesting when I consider different versions of the bible on Gen 2 :24on cleaving. Consider these:

NIV: ... Be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh
NLT: ...joined to his wife, and the two are united into one
KJV... Shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh
ESV:...hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh


It is customary to hear during a wedding ceremony: marriage is a union between.... This union, joining, holding fast, cleaving goes beyond the physical. 
This kind of union will need full exposure to each other. Hiding nothing. I wonder how this kind of union is possible when couples claim that they do not know how their spouses spend their income or how much their spouses income is. If one does not know what one's spouse's plan, fears, what gives him joy... Is, how can one claim to be cleaving in this union?